Tuesday, August 27, 2013

A 'Broken Social' and Still, Peace

       The other day, my husband and I were talking about how Lyme has affected me. Many of you know me as a completely extraverted chick who is completely in love with life and people. I usually get filled by being around people...constantly. I'm a social butterfly who can't stand being stuck at home for several days in a row. I'm a 'go getter' who is always up for a challenge; always up for learning and intellectual development. I absolutely love caring for those around me and I enjoy making people happy, comfortable, and feeling special. However, to my dismay, my extraverted self seems to have taken a hit! As Mark and I discussed several things, Mark said to me "I think your social is broken"! I couldn't agree more.

       These last several weeks, probably months, have been difficult for me. Going out with friends is still very fun, but I find myself completely exhausted by the end of a short outing. Taking part in activities that cause me to have to use my already exhausted brain leave me embarrassed when I can't keep up in board games or in situations where I am supposed to be concentrating or remembering multiple rules. Being physically active kills my already pained and fatigued body. I seem to have become boring. I'm boring to hang out with these days and I am exhausted when I do it. Don't get me wrong, I still have a ton of fun with friends, but most times I seem to relate more to the ninety year old grandma than my peers. I could handle you coming over for tea and chatting, but don't make me work too hard! :) So, please, forgive me when I turn down your invitations to do exciting things over the weekend. Forgive me, friends, when I seem like I am no longer interested in hanging out on a regular basis. I am, I just sometimes can't.

       To explain the fatigue I often feel is nearly impossible. It's something I am beyond frustrated about. I just can't seem to be myself, no matter how hard I try. All I want to do is sleep and I do sleep...a lot. Some, in fact, may think I am just being lazy, but a nap has become necessary for my functioning. Good thing I get to nap when the baby I nanny naps if need be! This is a far cry from the Kaitlyn I have always been. I get stressed out these days over the silliest things, and my mind can easily go a little crazy with all the thoughts I have rumbling around in there. I find myself stressed about finances for covering the bills that my health insurance doesn't cover. I stress about what others think about me and if they are perceiving me as lazy. I stress about being a good friend in a time when I seem to need friends to help me more than I can help in return. Each day is a fight to remember that this too will pass and one day, hopefully soon, I will be completely well again. this journey is exhausting!

       Even in the midst of this craziness...in the midst of my worry and concerns for the future or my crazy thoughts that can easily take over if I let them, I have found peace. For several days, I have been listening to this beautiful song written by a dear friend, Becky Smith. The song is one that is much like a prayer. The chorus goes something like this:
 
Let Your rain of tenderness fall fresh on me
Jesus, let Your unfailing love completely surround me
And I will stand in hope as I wait for You, Lord
Let Your peace, come over me
Let Your peace, come over me
 
 
        Ah, how beautiful, isn't it? This has become my daily prayer. Even in the middle of this trial and even as I cannot function like I know I can when I am healthy, His peace can still cover me. I don't know what this disease means for me. I don't know if I will come through this relapse and never deal with a relapse again. I don't know if I will be sick for the next year and every five years after that, until I leave this earth. I have no idea if my insurance company will continue to cover my illness. I cannot be sure how this will affect my family in the future. I don't know anything for certain, but I do know that when I ask for His peace, He will not leave me void. I don't know when I will be feeling 'normal' again, or when my 'social' will no longer seem 'broken' or when I will have my energy and extraversion back, but I do know that I can still have peace in the midst of difficult times. Join me, friends, in letting His peace come over you. Let His unfailing love completely surround you. Wait for Him, and I promise, He will not leave you without His presence and tenderness all around you. He can give you peace.




Friday, August 23, 2013

There, Here, and in Between


     
 
 
       It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I know I promised to keep my blog updated, but it seems as though when I am not working or interning or sitting in classes, I'm sleeping! I cannot even describe the amount of exhaustion I have experienced. I go to bed exhausted and wake up in the morning feeling as though I have hardly slept. I've become pretty accustomed to this routine and though it's difficult, I count each day as a gift. I can still get out of bed; something many Lyme-ies can't do. I am thankful.

       While I am feeling slightly better these days, I am still pretty sick. I finally feel human, so I guess that's a step in the right direction, but I still have a ways to go. Yesterday brought on a bit of anxiety for me as I went to the doctor and had my PICC line removed. To many reading this, you probably think I should be excited and jumping for joy, but I'm on the fence between relief and fear all at the same time. The PICC line was removed because my insurance company will only pay for twenty eight days of treatment for Lyme (chronic Lyme apparently doesn't exist?!). Because of this, we need to do a bit of a dance to get the insurance to cooperate. That being said, I anticipate another PICC line in four weeks or so, but in the meantime, will have absolutely no treatment. According to the doctor, if we remove the PICC line, stop all treatment and resubmit our treatment request in four weeks, the insurance will likely pay for another twenty eight days of infusions and view my case as a 'new' case. It's the only hope for their cooperation, and the only way I can afford to pay for this monster bacteria to go into remission again.

       The relief of my situation comes because I can now begin consuming coffee again and I can take a shower like a normal person without having to wear a sleeve on my arm! I won't have to rearrange my life for the next month to accommodate time to infuse my IV meds. I won't have to remember to flush my PICC line twice a day and I won't have to worry about a heart infection or blood clots in my line. These are all wonderful things and I am elated to have such things off my plate. But there is still fear. Will I take a backslide in the interim of treatment? Will I lose the miniscule bit of ground I have made in these upcoming weeks? What if the insurance company still declines my request in a few weeks for more medication, even after we've done their dance and followed their rules? How will I ever pay for this if there is no insurance coverage? My mind can easily become overwhelmed, and sometimes it does. How will I ever keep this anxiety under control in these next few weeks?

       The truth is, the only thing that keeps me moving forward and not getting lost in a sea of depression and anxiety is that I truly believe there is a purpose for my life here on this planet and that God has a plan for me. Regardless of the struggles I face, I know that whatever happens, my life will take the exact course planned for me and that's comforting. I can't say that I don't have moments where I am anxious or feeling depressed. I do. I am not superwoman. I am human just like the rest of you, so I still struggle. I struggle to understand why I have to walk this road again or what the future holds for me. Lyme has stolen so much from me over these years. As I blog in the future, I will share these things I have lost, but I undoubtedly want everyone who reads my stories and keeps track of my blog to know that while Lyme has stolen much from me, it has also blessed me in ways I could have never imagined.

       Those who know me, know that I can't stand 'pat answers.' Life is gritty, hard and often painful and I don't mind expressing that and hearing others talk about their struggles in a very authentic way. But when I say Lyme has blessed me, I mean it. It has changed me, molded me, and challenged me to be who I was created to be. It's challenged me to understand true compassion and acceptance for those around me. It's shown me that this life is not about looking good on the outside, but rather about knowing each other and experiencing life together on a real, vulnerable level (I'm still working on that one!). So let me be vulnerable. Let me be raw. Lyme is a horrible disease. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. To be honest, I am afraid of what could happen in these coming weeks while I am left untreated. But let me also say, I am clinging to the hope of a God who knows my struggles and weaknesses and I am clinging to a God who has never left my side through this all. Even while I shake in fear some days, He is still there. Even when I lament over the things Lyme has taken from me, He is there. Even when I find joyful moments filled with hope for an extravagant future, He is there. If I've learned nothing else, I've learned those things about my God. He is always here with me, He is always in my future before I am, and He is present in all the moments between the here and there.