Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Mya's Heart

She stood silently glaring at the mirror. Leaning in closely she began to count; one, two, three, four...five. "Too many to count." she thought as she stared at all the blemishes that shown feircely all over her face. The mirror gawked at her; she hated her face. In fact, she hated everything about the way she looked. She focused on the dark circles under her eyes, then dug through her makeup bag looking for something, anything to cover up her face; to make her look beautiful.

Slapping on some foundation she sighed.

"Nothing's going to work today, is it? God, why do you let me look this terrible!? You know how much I want to look good...you know why I have to...Ugh, why am I even asking You? It's not like you care anyway."

Mya finished putting mascara and eyeliner on just as a hot tear began to form. She quickly grabbed a tissue and slammed it into the corner of her eye. She was running late and couldn't afford to have her make-up run now. She pretended to not know why she was crying, but deep down, all she wanted was to be loved. All she wanted was to feel like she was worth something. Glancing at the clock, she threw on her shoes and put her heart on her sleeve as a finishing touch. Then she ran out the door. "I can't be late to class again, today..."

Outside the cold air hit here face, and she picked up her speed. Somehow, even though it was cold, warmth spread throughout her body as she hurried across campus. Caught off guard she heard a familiar voice.

"Hey Baby! You comin' out tonight? You sure are lookin' fine!"

Mya just smiled, and nodded her head. She couldn't remember, "Was that Joe? Or wait, was it Jake?" It didn't matter, she knew what he was talking about. She went out every night. She always stopped at the bar first, then picked up a guy, then who knows what next...it didn't much matter to her. Secretly she wondered every night if he would be "the one." This night wouldn't be any different.

As she stepped into the classroom, she felt the stares from all around the room. Immediately she dropped her head and sat at the closest desk to the door. She wasn't late, but she knew everyone was staring at her anyway. Continuing to stare at the floor she slithered out of her winter coat revealing a tight, black, long-sleeved shirt. She slid her hands down beside her thighs and gently pulled her skirt down a little further. She felt awkward.

In front of her she noticed two guys leaned in and whispering. She knew what they were talking about; her. Before she knew it the one football player scribbled on a piece of paper and passed it back to her. Taking a deep breath, she unfolded the crumbled mess and inscribed on the notebook paper were the words "Meet me after class..." Again she took a deep breath, and it took all she had to hold back the tears.

The Professor began to talk and Mya quickly snapped back to reality. She tried hard not to think about the note, but deep down her heart was still stinging. She was lost, confused, and wishing she was anyone but herself. Before she knew it, her peers began to rustle and she knew that the class was over. Grabbing her things she rushed out the door and ran to the bathroom. Again the mirror haunted her as she fixed her make-up.

"Did you see Mya today?"

The words made Mya jump. She didn't even know anyone else was in there. Quietly she stood still, not making a sound. She listened carefully.

"Yeah, she's such a slut now. I wonder what changed. She used to be so smart."

"Did you know that she drinks every night now?"

"I know! I heard! Did you hear that she's slept with all the guys in her hall?"

"For real? I wouldn't doubt it!"

Mya sniffled softly as the accusations pierced her heart. She wanted to run out of the bathroom but she knew that the girls in the stalls would know it was her if she had...she froze.

"Shhh, did you hear something?"

"No, what?"

"I think someone's in here...I thought I heard someone sniffle..."

The toilets flushed and just as Mya felt faint and all the color left her face, the stall doors opened and the two girls stared blankly at her. Without a word they laughed and ran out of the bathroom. Mya stood, frozen in time, mortified.

A few moments later, Mya regained her composure and sulked out of the bathroom. "They don't know anything about me." she thought. "All I want is to feel loved. The right guy has GOT to be out there somewhere, and I'm going to keep looking. In the meantime, I'm just running into the bad ones first, right?"

The rest of the day flew by and soon it was time for her to go out to the bar. After making sure her make-up was perfect and her outfit was perfect, she double checked to make sure her battered heart still was securely fastened to her sleeve. She was ready to go out.

The rest of the night was a blur. She had definitely had way too much to drink, and she knew it. The next morning she woke up with the guy she had brought home lying next to her in her bed. She was used to this, so when she noticed that he had taken her heart off of the sleeve of the clothing she had been wearing, it was no surprise to her that he was ripping a piece of her heart off. While she knew every guy she had "been with" ripped a piece of her heart off, she couldn't bear to watch. She never could. If she ever would sneak a peak, it would feel as though her heart really was being ripped apart, so she closed her eyes.

After a minute or two she expected to no longer hear the ripping, but when the ripping continued, she could not help but look.

"What are you doing?!" she shouted! "That's my heart! You can't have it all!"

Mya's heart began to pound so rapidly that she thought it would pop out of her chest.

"STOP!!! You can't have that much!!"

The boy ripped off one more piece and jumped out of bed. He slowly got dressed. He still clutched her heart. Without a word, he opened the door and walked down the hall. Mya jumped up and wrapped a blanket around herself.

"HEY!!! Come back!! That's MY heart you have! What are you doing??!!"

Without even looking back the boy dropped the heart to the floor. "Take your stupid heart. It's not worth anything anyway."

As the heart floated to the ground, Mya could barely see it. It had gotten so small. She ran up the hall after him. She wasn't trying to catch him, she was trying to catch her heart before it hit the floor. Tripping over her blanket she fell to the floor, just as her heart hit the hard tile. Excrutiateing pain blasted through her body and she knew that this time she couldn't stop the tears. Quickly scooping up the tiny heart, she ran back to her room and closed the door.

"Why, why, why?? WHY do I ALWAYS do this??"

She cried out to God, wondering why. "If only You would be listening! If only the RIGHT one would come along! Why aren't you protecting my heart? Why don't you love me?? Ugh, here I am again, talking to a God that doesn't even care! I hate You!"

Day after day, Mya did the same thing over and over again, until there was nearly nothing left of her poor heart. She had worn her heart on her sleeve for so long, and now all she had left of the heart was almost gone. Each morning she woke up, another man had taken any part of her heart that she had given him; and all she could do was close her eyes and sob."God, please help me..."

One morning, Mya woke up to find a note under her door. "Probably another guy sending me some obnoxious note..." Her bare feet hit the ground and she drug them across the floor. Bending down, she realized that the note was in a bright red, sealed envelope. Ever so gently, as if not to shred the paper, she opened the tiny envelope. The scarlet red reminded her of her heart. As she opened the envelope, she saw something familiar. Inside lay a pasted together heart, just like the one she used to wear on her sleeve. There was only one small piece missing; it was the one she still had. As she reached up to her sleeve, she unpinned the remaining piece of the heart and slipped it in the empty place. She had a full heart now.

Just as she was about to put the envelope down, a small note slipped out and floated onto her bed. As she flipped the paper over, her eyes welled with hot, hot tears. In the most beautiful handwriting she had ever seen, she read the words: "I've heard your cries, I've seen every piece of your heart being ripped to shreds and I've caught every tear; every last one. And while you are lost and broken and hate yourself more than ever before, I have created for you a new, complete, and beautiful heart. And despite what you think; YOU ARE ENOUGH...And I love you so much. Don't be afraid, I am here..."

Mya didn't know what to think. She wondered where the note had come from, but in the depths of her sorrow, all she could muster up to say was "Thank you, God..." Mya peered out her dorm room window and wondered what she should do next. Without an answer, she simply held the new heart close to her chest, closed her eyes and began to feel it beat...

2 comments:

  1. How I've missed your writing...
    Lovely.
    You always had a maturity in your word selection. Impressive, girl!

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  2. Thank you! This is an oldie (as in I wrote it about 3 yrs ago!), but thought it would be appropriate to post. :)

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