Not to my surprise, my levels of Lyme went down slightly. When I say slightly, I mean very slightly. At the beginning of this current Lyme battle, levels were at +1.64 (you only need +.90 to be positive!), at the end of September they were at +1.61. Not much of a difference, but I'll take any improvement over this wretched disease as a victory; no matter how small. In that moment, I was elated, but as the doc continued to speak, I found myself feeling woozy and on the edge of tears. I was stressed about this appointment already, but as the doctor relayed the rest of the test results my anxiety spun out of control and I felt as though any more information would send me over the edge into sheer panic. His voice began to drown out and all I could hear for a moment was "Here's the problem...I...you...they probably won't pay. Insurance doesn't have to pay even though you're still very sick" What?! But they have to!! I'm sick! I can't live like this the rest of my life!! Thoughts flew through my mind like a crazed bird flying from a predator.
As I composed myself, essentially, what the doctor was saying is because I was getting better the insurance may not think I was sick enough to allow me to have the rest of the treatment needed to get me completely healthy again. If you don't know anything about Lyme testing, I assure you, it is hardly ever accurate through normal blood labs. Side note: Igenix and MDL labs are the only labs in the country that have nearly 100% accurate testing. Anyway, one of the tests run to determine positive Lyme was equivocal this time around. I won't go into the details in this blog because it would be too long, but this did not mean I wasn't sick any longer, only that I was making some progress, though still very sick. Another long story short, insurance did not have to pay for my second round of treatment because of these new results. How crazy! I left the office that day, stressed, anxious, angry, confused, worried, and concerned. My thoughts rolled around in my exploding mind like tumbleweed on the plains of a flat and barren Midwestern state. What was I going to do? Surely I did not have the $15,000 or so that it would cost to get another six weeks of treatment. I was completely overwhelmed.
The next two weeks went by, slow as molasses as I waited to hear whether insurance would pay for my treatment or not. The doctor and I assumed that this would be an uphill battle, and we were already preparing for what to do if they wouldn't pay. I was scared. Finally, on the Thursday before my scheduled PICC insertion, I called the doctor's office to see what was happening. To my surprise, the secretary on the other end said words that totally lifted my burdens. She said "Oh, yes, honey, I called them last week and they said there was no authorization required." I quickly retorted "So that means they will pay?" "Yep! That's what they said last time they paid!" My heart immediately calmed and I took a deep breath. "Thank you! See you Monday!"
Instantly my mind wandered. Oh, how little faith I had these past several days. Did I not trust that God could handle the stubborn insurance company? What would have happened if they didn't agree to pay? I concluded three things that afternoon; three options that could have happened. One, the insurance would agree to pay and I would find healing through the gift of medicine. Two, insurance would not agree to pay and God would heal me somehow either in this life or the next. And three, the insurance wouldn't pay but God would be prepared to supply the money I would need to pay all of those bills off. All options afford my healing in the end. This spoke volumes to me. I don't know if I will ever be well in this lifetime. I don't know if my healing will come through medications or through miraculous healing. I don't know if my healing will only come after this life. But I do know that even when my life is out of control, I can trust that God is fully in control. I don't need to worry about the little details because He already has taken care of them. What is my life if I live or die? It is worth more than the little details of each day, in and out.
As I sit and write, I have just finished my first week of six weeks of infusions. I am reminded of this little PICC line in my arm, reaching to my heart because of the little twinge of pain it is giving me. But that little twinge of pain also reminds me that God has answered some huge prayers. My insurance company will pay for most of the medical bills for the next six weeks. I don't know what happens from there, but I need to remember that I don't need to worry about that. God knows. God is in control and I can trust Him with my very life.
What are you struggling to trust God for these days, friends? May your heart be filled with peace, and know that even when you are out of control (or in control) God is in complete control and has your best in mind. Peace, friends.
