Mya's Heart

She stood silently glaring at the mirror. Leaning in closely she began to count; one, two, three, four...five. "Too many to count." she thought as she stared at all the blemishes that shown feircely all over her face. The mirror gawked at her; she hated her face. In fact, she hated everything about the way she looked. She focused on the dark circles under her eyes, then dug through her makeup bag looking for something, anything to cover up her face; to make her look beautiful.

Slapping on some foundation she sighed.

"Nothing's going to work today, is it? God, why do you let me look this terrible!? You know how much I want to look good...you know why I have to...Ugh, why am I even asking You? It's not like you care anyway."

Mya finished putting mascara and eyeliner on just as a hot tear began to form. She quickly grabbed a tissue and slammed it into the corner of her eye. She was running late and couldn't afford to have her make-up run now. She pretended to not know why she was crying, but deep down, all she wanted was to be loved. All she wanted was to feel like she was worth something. Glancing at the clock, she threw on her shoes and put her heart on her sleeve as a finishing touch. Then she ran out the door. "I can't be late to class again, today..."

Outside the cold air hit here face, and she picked up her speed. Somehow, even though it was cold, warmth spread throughout her body as she hurried across campus. Caught off guard she heard a familiar voice.

"Hey Baby! You comin' out tonight? You sure are lookin' fine!"

Mya just smiled, and nodded her head. She couldn't remember, "Was that Joe? Or wait, was it Jake?" It didn't matter, she knew what he was talking about. She went out every night. She always stopped at the bar first, then picked up a guy, then who knows what next...it didn't much matter to her. Secretly she wondered every night if he would be "the one." This night wouldn't be any different.

As she stepped into the classroom, she felt the stares from all around the room. Immediately she dropped her head and sat at the closest desk to the door. She wasn't late, but she knew everyone was staring at her anyway. Continuing to stare at the floor she slithered out of her winter coat revealing a tight, black, long-sleeved shirt. She slid her hands down beside her thighs and gently pulled her skirt down a little further. She felt awkward.

In front of her she noticed two guys leaned in and whispering. She knew what they were talking about; her. Before she knew it the one football player scribbled on a piece of paper and passed it back to her. Taking a deep breath, she unfolded the crumbled mess and inscribed on the notebook paper were the words "Meet me after class..." Again she took a deep breath, and it took all she had to hold back the tears.

The Professor began to talk and Mya quickly snapped back to reality. She tried hard not to think about the note, but deep down her heart was still stinging. She was lost, confused, and wishing she was anyone but herself. Before she knew it, her peers began to rustle and she knew that the class was over. Grabbing her things she rushed out the door and ran to the bathroom. Again the mirror haunted her as she fixed her make-up.

"Did you see Mya today?"

The words made Mya jump. She didn't even know anyone else was in there. Quietly she stood still, not making a sound. She listened carefully.

"Yeah, she's such a slut now. I wonder what changed. She used to be so smart."

"Did you know that she drinks every night now?"

"I know! I heard! Did you hear that she's slept with all the guys in her hall?"

"For real? I wouldn't doubt it!"

Mya sniffled softly as the accusations pierced her heart. She wanted to run out of the bathroom but she knew that the girls in the stalls would know it was her if she had...she froze.

"Shhh, did you hear something?"

"No, what?"

"I think someone's in here...I thought I heard someone sniffle..."

The toilets flushed and just as Mya felt faint and all the color left her face, the stall doors opened and the two girls stared blankly at her. Without a word they laughed and ran out of the bathroom. Mya stood, frozen in time, mortified.

A few moments later, Mya regained her composure and sulked out of the bathroom. "They don't know anything about me." she thought. "All I want is to feel loved. The right guy has GOT to be out there somewhere, and I'm going to keep looking. In the meantime, I'm just running into the bad ones first, right?"

The rest of the day flew by and soon it was time for her to go out to the bar. After making sure her make-up was perfect and her outfit was perfect, she double checked to make sure her battered heart still was securely fastened to her sleeve. She was ready to go out.

The rest of the night was a blur. She had definitely had way too much to drink, and she knew it. The next morning she woke up with the guy she had brought home lying next to her in her bed. She was used to this, so when she noticed that he had taken her heart off of the sleeve of the clothing she had been wearing, it was no surprise to her that he was ripping a piece of her heart off. While she knew every guy she had "been with" ripped a piece of her heart off, she couldn't bear to watch. She never could. If she ever would sneak a peak, it would feel as though her heart really was being ripped apart, so she closed her eyes.

After a minute or two she expected to no longer hear the ripping, but when the ripping continued, she could not help but look.

"What are you doing?!" she shouted! "That's my heart! You can't have it all!"

Mya's heart began to pound so rapidly that she thought it would pop out of her chest.

"STOP!!! You can't have that much!!"

The boy ripped off one more piece and jumped out of bed. He slowly got dressed. He still clutched her heart. Without a word, he opened the door and walked down the hall. Mya jumped up and wrapped a blanket around herself.

"HEY!!! Come back!! That's MY heart you have! What are you doing??!!"

Without even looking back the boy dropped the heart to the floor. "Take your stupid heart. It's not worth anything anyway."

As the heart floated to the ground, Mya could barely see it. It had gotten so small. She ran up the hall after him. She wasn't trying to catch him, she was trying to catch her heart before it hit the floor. Tripping over her blanket she fell to the floor, just as her heart hit the hard tile. Excrutiateing pain blasted through her body and she knew that this time she couldn't stop the tears. Quickly scooping up the tiny heart, she ran back to her room and closed the door.

"Why, why, why?? WHY do I ALWAYS do this??"

She cried out to God, wondering why. "If only You would be listening! If only the RIGHT one would come along! Why aren't you protecting my heart? Why don't you love me?? Ugh, here I am again, talking to a God that doesn't even care! I hate You!"

Day after day, Mya did the same thing over and over again, until there was nearly nothing left of her poor heart. She had worn her heart on her sleeve for so long, and now all she had left of the heart was almost gone. Each morning she woke up, another man had taken any part of her heart that she had given him; and all she could do was close her eyes and sob."God, please help me..."

One morning, Mya woke up to find a note under her door. "Probably another guy sending me some obnoxious note..." Her bare feet hit the ground and she drug them across the floor. Bending down, she realized that the note was in a bright red, sealed envelope. Ever so gently, as if not to shred the paper, she opened the tiny envelope. The scarlet red reminded her of her heart. As she opened the envelope, she saw something familiar. Inside lay a pasted together heart, just like the one she used to wear on her sleeve. There was only one small piece missing; it was the one she still had. As she reached up to her sleeve, she unpinned the remaining piece of the heart and slipped it in the empty place. She had a full heart now.

Just as she was about to put the envelope down, a small note slipped out and floated onto her bed. As she flipped the paper over, her eyes welled with hot, hot tears. In the most beautiful handwriting she had ever seen, she read the words: "I've heard your cries, I've seen every piece of your heart being ripped to shreds and I've caught every tear; every last one. And while you are lost and broken and hate yourself more than ever before, I have created for you a new, complete, and beautiful heart. And despite what you think; YOU ARE ENOUGH...And I love you so much. Don't be afraid, I am here..."

Mya didn't know what to think. She wondered where the note had come from, but in the depths of her sorrow, all she could muster up to say was "Thank you, God..." Mya peered out her dorm room window and wondered what she should do next. Without an answer, she simply held the new heart close to her chest, closed her eyes and began to feel it beat...

The King's Table

2 Samuel 9:1-8

1 David asked, "Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan's sake?" 2 Now there was a servant of Saul's household named Ziba. They called him to appear before David, and the king said to him, "Are you Ziba?" "Your servant," he replied. 3 The king asked, "Is there no one still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show God's kindness?" Ziba answered the king, "There is still a son of Jonathan; he is crippled in both feet." 4 "Where is he?" the king asked. Ziba answered, "He is at the house of Makir son of Ammiel in Lo Debar."

5 So King David had him brought from Lo Debar, from the house of Makir son of Ammiel. 6 When Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, came to David, he bowed down to pay him honor.
David said, "Mephibosheth!"

"Your servant," he replied.

7 "Don't be afraid," David said to him, "for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table."

8 Mephibosheth bowed down and said, "What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me?"

This afternoon I was reading the story of Mephibosheth in 2 Samuel. It is a story I have read numerous times, but I got to thinking about it and was reminded again about this beautiful story. I've always equated the story to my life and my "eating at the Table" of the Lord. Did you ever think about it like this?

King David, looking for someone to bestow his kindness on, picks the least of these. King David chooses Mephibosheth, a crippled, lowly man who was lame in both feet. King David could have chosen ANYONE to bestow his kindness on, but he chose Mephibosheth. But why?

Let's look at it another way. God, our Father, could have chosen ANYONE to bestow his kindness upon, but He chose us! He chose us. Let that sink in for a minute or two. Can you imagine if He didn't choose us? Can you imagine if we were not invited to eat at the Table of the Lord like Mephibosheth was invited to eat at the table of King David? King David could have chosen to eat with other kings and royalty, but instead, he asked "Is there anyone left to whom I can show kindness?" When God looked across the world, He chose us, all of us who are His children to show His kindness to. Wrap your mind around that for a second...can you?

Mephibosheth was a cripple. Can you imagine the humble honor it was for him to eat with the King? The Bible tells us that Mephibosheth did not feel worthy enough to eat. He even calls himself a dead dog. I don't know about you, but I don't think there is too much more that can get worse or more worthless than being a dead dog. Mephibosheth, an unworthy man (at least in his own eyes) had the honor of dining with the king, and he realized that he was not worthy to sit at the king's table.

Am I worthy to sit at the King's Table? THE King's Table. I am crippled with sin...not worthy of even a glimpse of the Father's kindness; but HE has invited ME to the Table to eat with Him. I am the crippled Mephibosheth, but I am ridden with sin...much worse than a physical ailment. Am I worthy of sitting and eating with the King of Kings? I mean, I would not have been even worthy of eating at King David's table! What makes me think for a second that I can eat with my Heavenly Father?

In verse 7, King David tells Mephibosheth that he will always have a seat at his table. Mephibosheth will always eat with the king. This is a beautiful example of what the Lord does for us. We will always be welcome to eat at our Father's Table...crippled, wounded, or down and out, WE are invited to dine with the King. Yes, a King far greater than King David himself. And like Mephibosheth, we do not deserve such an honor. I DO NOT deserve such an honor.

Can you take this in for a moment? Will you accept the invitation to sit at the King's table for the rest of your days? Will you humbly come, and bow at His feet; realizing that He has chosen US to eat with Him and to have fellowship with Him...the Creator of the Universe. Now THAT just blows my mind! May you find yourself seated at the Table of the Lord today and always...and may you realize that none of us deserve such a holy invitation, but yet all of us are invited; good, bad, ugly, offensive...come as you are.

It Hurts, So Take It Away!

         There is an epidemic taking place here. With all the new technologies and science hitting each day, it can be very easy to become 'wrapped up' in the next new thing. Chronic illnesses are popping up everywhere, and we've got a pill for that! With growing medical technologies, we are hard pressed these days to find a disorder in which we can't at least manage the symptoms. Yes, we are far from 'cures' for a lot of diseases, but, we can at least make one's life more comfortable while dealing with the disease. Today, all one must do in America is walk into a doctor's office, complain of some symptom and he or she will be walking out with no more knowledge she had before going in, but about three more prescriptions than she had been taking before the visit. I admit, the 'pop a pill and find relief' thing is tempting. Life is hard, you know? If I can make it all better with one single pill, I'll be lining up for my prescription, and an extra two or so to get me through those sleepless nights. As if body altering drugs aren't enough, there has been a substantial rise in mind altering regimens as well! I feel slightly 'blue' for a day and all of a sudden I'm on a serious psychotropic medication that is supposed to lift my mood and take away my momentary blues.

 

        Now before you stop reading this blog, and assume I am completely against medication, would you give me just a few more moments of your time to explain myself? I am not about to go all organic on you and tell you that medication is of the devil and one should never take it. In fact, if you need it, take it! What I do want to address, however, is the need here in America to feel nothing, quickly rid ourselves of feelings that are less than enjoyable, and have instant gratification without doing the work to get better. This is the epidemic. The epidemic is not one of medication addictions (though that is a whole separate issue for a blog another day!), but rather, the epidemic is one of instant gratification.

 

        It only takes a moment to recognize this after spending less than ten minutes in a toy store filled with five year olds. I dare you to spend a few minutes observing what happens in Toys R Us. For those of you who don't have the time to take me up on this challenge, I'll spell it out for you quickly. Little Molly is in Toys R Us with her mommy and begins to throw a tantrum because she wants, well... she needs, one more doll. This doll is cooler because it cries and eats food. Little Molly screams because she can't bear one more day without this new doll...and what does Molly's mommy do? Of course little Molly, mommy knows that you must have that doll right this minute...otherwise Molly may have a deprived childhood with her five other dolls who only cry but don't eat food. And within seconds of Molly's tantrum beginning, this new doll is in the cart and paid for. All because Molly needed it. Take another example. This one may be slightly humorous, but just think about it. John has a friend who has a brand new flat screen television. It was love at first sight for John when he viewed the latest football game on his friend's amazing television. Within a few minutes, John has used his new iPhone to order the TV and will have it by the end of the week. Instant gratification.

 

        As I work and study in the psychological world, I see this epidemic reaching far into the lives of people everywhere. You don't have to look hard to find someone who is taking psychotropic medications in order to function on a daily basis. Is this wrong? No. If I have a heart problem, I am going to take the necessary medications to fix the abnormality. If I have a brain problem, I should do the same. Yet, I wonder if there is more to this than just popping a pill.

 

        Let's take a minute to break this all down further. Perhaps my heart problem is a direct result of something mechanically wrong with my heart. Maybe I have an irregular heart beat that needs to be regulated by medication. I should take the medication and move on with my life. There is nothing more I can do to fix the problem. But, what if my heart problem is high cholesterol because I am eating cheeseburgers every day and never exercising? I would suggest, that it would behoove me to quit eating the burgers and perhaps pick up an exercise routine. Will this solve everything? Maybe not, but it will do a great deal to fix my problem! My heart condition is a physical problem which may take some hard work to fix, but can be greatly improved if I am willing to put in the work.

 

        Now, what about my brain? What if I am consistently experiencing depression, day in and day out? I eat junk food consistently and never leave my warm, cozy bed because I just like to watch TV all day long. Anyone with that sort of routine would become depressed. I could take a pill that may help significantly and maybe that little pill will take away the pain I feel, but it won't fix the problem. It will only fix the symptoms. What if, instead, I got out of bed and accomplished some things throughout the day and began eating healthier? What if that alone is enough to lift my spirits? It may be! It may not be.

 

 

        The problem in these two examples is not the disease that needs to be fixed with a little pill, but rather, it is the disease of instant gratification. Not many people in these conditions would want to spend the six weeks it will take to get healthier while the symptoms and the pain remain. Is medication bad? Absolutely not! Is medication a sign of weakness? No! Can medication be used incorrectly? Yes. medication can be used, unfortunately, to numb; to take away the pain so a person doesn't need to walk through the pain in his or her heart to find healing. It is a antidote that can be injected into the heart or body to stop the pain, but what if walking through the pain is what is necessary to cure the problem? Now, please do not misunderstand me. Not everyone who is on psychotropic medications is using it as a crutch to skip out on the heart and mind work that needs to be done.



 There are a lot of people who are taking these medications and really need to be. I am not advocating that these people get off of their medications, in fact, I don't advocate that anyone takes what I am writing and applies it to their own lives without consulting a doctor or professional who can take an in depth look at the specific case. I am only trying to address the fact that many people do escape from their problems with medication because it is less painful. To be honest, when I have a wound, I want it to heal as soon as possible. I don't like to have it hurt. Whatever I can do to make the pain stop, sounds enticing. I want to instantly feel better. That being said, each of us need to evaluate our motives behind medication. Life hurts and we all want the pain to go away, but by using a quick fix, our hearts will still be full of pain and hurt.

 

        My challenge is that each of you reading this would evaluate if you are as hooked on instant gratification as I am. Before you go for the quick fix, ask yourself what you are trying to avoid. There are many out there who seem to exhibit real biological problems with the parts of the brain that keep our minds from depression and anxiety. For a biological issue, take all the medications you need! If you are willing to do the work and still unable to find freedom from these burdens, medication may be necessary, but my challenge is to not run away from the healing work, but rather embrace it. Use medication if necessary, but remember to keep yourself healthy in other ways, work hard on your heart, and don't hide. Hiding only makes the pain worse.

 

*I'm completely open for debate, so don't take  my word for it here! Let's discuss! :)

Long-suffering: Will You Meet Me?

        In a world today that is full of slogans and techniques such as "Lose twenty pounds in one month!", "Get a trim body in just ten days!", and "Quit smoking with the help of this wonder pill", it's no wonder that people get slightly uncomfortable with waiting for results for anything. The world is at our fingertips. I can 'Google' anything I want and have answers in just seconds to whatever question has been plaguing my mind. I can bake a cake in just half the time if I use a box mix, or I can hop on a plane and be thousands of miles away in a few short hours. What's more, I can control half of my life with the push of a button on my laptop. Nearly anything I want, can happen with little to no effort. But what happens when life throws into the mix something that cannot be taken care of immediately. What happens if something so intense happens in life and we are left with the reality of picking up the pieces to a five thousand piece jigsaw puzzle called life?

        The topic of trauma is often one that no one wants to touch with a ten foot pole. No one wants to be the one to pick up that puzzle of life and put it all back together. It's messy; it's hard. The truth is, life is hard enough, but what happens when heartbreak and anxiety hit us out of nowhere? Further, what happens when something complicated happens in a world that tries to simplify and uncomplicate even the simplest things in life? Trauma cannot be simplified.

        The process of dealing with trauma is messy. It takes time and long-suffering. Many of us don't know what to say or do. What do you say to someone who just lost a child? What do you say to someone who has experienced the death of a spouse or loved one? Are there any words to describe the pain of hearing the diagnosis of cancer? All of these things are traumatic and don't fit into that 'box cake' we all love to use. None of these things are easily digested, and none of these things can be dealt with quickly. So what is there to do?

        As I pondered these questions when a friend shared some deep traumas with me that were wreaking havoc on her family's life, all I could do was meet her in her pain. I didn't have words for her. I didn't have some sort of wisdom to share that would ease her pain or take the problem away. All I could do was be there to help her put the pieces back together again. Sometimes we don't even know what that looks like, but i would suggest that simply being there to listen, love, and support in any way possible are good starts. However, the biggest way to help someone put their life back together again is just simply being a good listener and allowing that person to share there story in their time, in their way, and in the pain of it all.

        The second thing I think is vital is to allow the person suffering to take as much time as needed to work through the trauma experienced. So many times, I think our society expects people to 'get over' difficult things quickly and cleanly. But the truth of the matter is, sometimes it takes a long time for the pain to subside. What works for one person may not work for another, and that's okay. By removing the expectations of quick recovery, the sufferers are free to work through every angle of the trauma and find healing in their own timing. This is essential.

        Finally, finding a 'new normal' is essential to healing after trauma. A person may never function the way he or she did before the trauma, and that's okay. We need to remember that everything that happens in life has the potential of changing who people are. If a runner loses his leg, no one would expect the runner to run again. So why, when dealing with a person who has gone through trauma, do we expect a person to function just as they have in the past? What if their amygdala is broken? (This is an important lesson I learned from a professor, Dr. Monroe) We need to be very understanding and also assist those who suffer trauma to find that new normal necessary to finally move on (whatever that looks like!).

        So let us join our friends and family in suffering. And though we may not have the words to say, or some profound wisdom that will take the suffering away, but at the very least, we have all experienced suffering and know what it is like to be in the midst of unbearable pain. These experiences alone can give us the understanding needed to walk with someone else through their pain and trauma. Let's not forget to meet those suffering where they are and to walk with those around us as long as it takes to find true healing. We are all in this together!