Inside My Muddy Heart

This weekend, I had the privilege and the honor of
being at a retreat with my cohort in the M.A. in
Counseling program, through Biblical Theological
Seminary. To say that it was an honor was no
exaggeration. It was a weekend full of learning,
introspection, and serious focus on who each of us
are and how that will affect our counseling. It was
so awesome.

"What is in your heart will come out in the counseling room."

One of my professors at Biblical reiterated this at our retreat several times this weekend. I couldn't help but to let such a statement hit me hard in the heart. It hasn't taken long in this counseling program to show me that. It seems like every week when I walk into class I need to ask myself what sore subject will be talked about this week. It's as if I need to bring my rain boots to school each week because I know I will be trudging through the 'mud' that has somehow made it's way into my own heart. The process is both daunting and refreshing all at the same time.

As I began to mull over this statement, by Dr. Jenn Zuck, I knew that no matter how much I wanted to deny this, it was a true statement. I knew that I was going to need to work on my heart issues before I would be able to effectively help counselees in the future. A moment of panic swept over me as I realized that there was no way that I would have time to 'clean house' by the time I had graduated the program. Was I going to be an effective counselor with such a damaged and mucky heart? We've all got our baggage, right? I hope I'm not the only one.

I thought about the impact of things that have happened in my life in the past. How would they affect my counseling? How have they already affected my life, who I am, and how I view others and the world. I know they have. At first I wanted to deny that my 'junk' would affect my counseling career, but I discovered, I couldn't deny it. If I was going to be an effective counselor, I will need to be ready and willing to sit in the mud pit with my counselees to walk them through their struggles but at the same time, not allow my life experiences and my own selfish heart to get in the way. But how?

Throughout the day, I came to the conclusion that I will need to identify the weaknesses in my heart and constantly be aware of them. I am going to have to look at the muddy parts of my heart and discover how my perspective is going to affect my counselees. I need to constantly be asking myself, 'Why am I reacting the way I am? Why am I doing what I am doing? Is this for my own satisfaction or my counselee's healing?' I need to be aware of my own heart and what is happening in it. If I am not, I have the great potential of harming the very people I have set out to help.

I love to help people; my friends, family, coworkers, or even strangers. As I look at all the relationships I have, I wonder if I can apply this concept of examining my heart before I speak to my every day relationships. The truth is, I wonder how many times I've tried to help someone but instead have hurt them in real life because of my own selfish desires and motives. How many times have I set out to help someone only to find that I was filling my own selfish desire to be loved and accepted. How many times have I tried to dig someone out of a hole, working hard to save them when they didn't want or ask for my help. What desires have I fulfilled in that process?

The truth is, I think we've all had the experience of trying to help someone and in the process have done more damage to the one we are trying to help than we set out to do. I wonder if what is happening in our hearts doesn't only affect our counseling, but also affects our relationships throughout all of life. Maybe my need to be perfect causes me to expect perfection out of other people, who like me, cannot ever be perfect this side of Heaven. Maybe my need for love and acceptance drives me to say yes to all of the activities and ministries I am asked to do, but my heart isn't really in those things, and I end up doing them less than joyfully. How many times have I taken my frustrations out on my spouse, even when those frustrations have nothing to do with him?

It's very easy, I think, to allow our hearts to spill out onto other people. We mask our bleeding with all sorts of excuses. We often forget that what we say and what we do has the potential to affect others immensely. Life sometimes becomes all about us and we wield our opinions and thoughts around like a sharp sword but are blind to the fact that the sword has just sliced someone else's heart open.

Life is hard. Sometimes we don't know what to do. But perhaps one of the most important things we can do is constantly examine what is happening in our own personal hearts before we try to figure out what is happening in someone else's. We need to remember that the condition of our hearts will affect how we view others and how we respond. Just as counselors have a great potential to harm their counselees, each individual has the potential to harm those in the world surrounding.

Being sensitive and identifying my own selfishness can help me to be the best counselor I can be, but I'm also convinced that it can help me to be the best person I can be. I think all of us are here to help heal others, not to hurt. All my life I've heard people say 'You cannot give what you do not have.' I think I finally understand what that means. Life is hard, but I cannot begin to help someone find healing if I haven't found it myself.

So before you say that next 'big thing' to someone, think about your motives. Before you try to rescue someone from there pain, I beg you, take a look at your heart and recognize that if your heart isn't filled with good things, you will not give good away. If your heart is not filled with love, you will not love properly. If your heart is not filled with compassion or hope or joy or peace, you will never be able to give it away. Be careful with the hearts of others.